A Final Report

1 Month left.

Previous Goal : make changes, feel good about changes, work on accepting feelings. (achieved).

New Goal : feel good about changes, act on changes, actively listen to feelings and accept and pursue what I need.

Stipulations

1. I want to take time to myself and work on appreciating the day without regards to a broken heart.

2. I want to refrain from seeking out his company and keeping tabs through social networking.

Stipulations 1 and 2 are in the goal of "actively listening to feelings".

3. I want to make new acquaintances and meet new people who have a good outlook on life, balance in lifestyle and a focus that does not seriously depend on intimate relationships.

4. I will not settle for...

4.1 Being dismissed. "Fine" or "whatever" responses are not acceptable means of communication and I must acknowledge that they actively set me back in my goals.

4.2 Actively pursuing intimate relationships that do not include monogamy.

4.3 Having relationships in which I am made to feel excluded in secondary company.

4.4 Capitulating into a sexual relationship to satisfy an immediate desire for love.

Stipulations 3 and 4 are in the goal of "accepting and pursuing what I need".

6. I want to focus on making a plan and actively pursuing said plan for my future.

7. I want to accept that I may slip up and make mistakes if prior stipulations are not met, but that I will follow these guidelines from now on, in order to move forward and actively grow from prior mistakes.

Stipulations 6 and 7 are in the goal of " feeling good and acting on changes".

I can no longer be satisfied with the band-aid quick fix of insisting on trying to understand where my feelings come from and what they truly mean. I need to act if I'm going to be successful in my life and in love and friendship.

I have the answers: I have worked through my feelings to understand them and know what they truly mean for me. Now I have to work on being OK and moving forward. The love of my life has already worked on being OK and moving forward. "Talking, sharing, etc. and ignoring feelings" seems to hint to me that he's not ready to work through his feelings for me. And I can no longer try and figure out how best to create a dynamic that will allow those feelings to resurface. That isn't my place.

* * *

I had a spectacular evening with him on Wednesday night: probably the best we've ever had. But nothing has changed. Things are still as they are.

I can only change myself and that's what I'm starting as of today. If I post, it will only be to update myself on how I've held true to the stipulations. Nothing more and nothing less.

It's time.

Something feels different and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

I'm nervous for tonight. I'm thinking of those things that I first thought of before the first time I had drinks with him: "what to talk about", "remain calm"...

The pain has stopped in a way. I don't feel like I used to. I can actually think. Last night, I rolled around in bed and ate junk food and watched Gossip Girl and I really enjoyed my time to myself.

Now I'm just nervous.

One more item to add to yesterdays list: I want sparks.

* * *

I hope I'm not just fooling myself again...

Everything has culminated to an odd point.

I got the job at Holt Renfrew. The whole staff greeted me to welcome aboard. After weeks of unemployment, I guess it was all just a matter of trusting my efforts. Or maybe good times and bad times just randomly land in your lap like a jumbled game of toss-up.

And yesterday, after a lot of arguing back and forth, the one whom I love agreed to come out with me. We spent hours talking about honesty and what he's been doing, and what I've been doing, etc. It was all pointless until we both mentioned how jealous we get all the time... And then I asked him to come out with me tomorrow in the hopes of dispelling the drama. I never thought in a million years he would say yes; I expected a "maybe". Which is his nice way of saying no.

But thinking about it... I feel different.

I feel like when I first met him. I was so nervous and always wondering if he liked me or not, or would notice me etc.

I think I feel that way because I see this as an opportunity for something different and meaningful. All I know is this:

I don't want to sleep with him.

I don't want anyone who's known about us to be involved in our business.

I want to see him smile.

For the rest, I really have no expectations. Because I honestly believe at this point, if it doesn't work between us, then it's not meant to be.

After everything...

1. Making changes and being committed to the love of my life.

2. Being honest.

3. Being open.

4. Trying to figure out how best to make sure he's happy.

I've got nothing.

I've been a pushover for far too long. It's time to start moving forward. Hopefully this will be the last post I need before May 15th. Before the end of the commitment that seemingly means nothing right now to the one that I love...

I'm glad he can be happy in whatever way he choses. But that's not someone that I want to be with, not right now if that's the way it's always going to be without the opportunity for something real. I want somebody who wants to fight for that opportunity, with me.

There are moments that I experience which help me put things into perspective.

Last night, I went out for a friend's birthday and ran into an acquaintance of mine that had become Facebook friends with my ex. When I asked how they knew each other, he related to me details of a wonderful night of beers that they had had this past week.

I later, at the same bar, ran into an old ex of mine, from two years back. We reconnected and decided to go for drinks this rainy Sunday afternoon. We talked about our past relationships, our futures, etc.

My ex, whom I still love, is going for drinks, is hoping to date around. No matter how hard I try, only he will one day know if whether or not he's ready to open up to me and give us a chance in something real and committed and actually put the work in. And I'm sick and tired of feeling like I have to compete.

I no longer wish to fight. I feel like I've given it my best shot. I don't want this present relationship that we have where the only time he seems to put in any effort is through a casual text here and there and in trying to make me jealous at a bar... because the rest of the time, in his pursuits, his energy is seemingly focussed on trying to find something better than me.

This new life, with new prospects begins with a day like today: a rainy Sunday with an ex, after having turned that page and developing new kinds of relationships with those people that were important to me once before; it's time to turn the page, no matter what plot develops in the next chapter...

No more drunken texts, no more invitations and attempts to have him come out and get an idea that we can work things out. No more reacting violently to lies. No more lies. No more fighting. No more hurting. It's time to live my life without all this conflict, no matter what that one day may mean...

OK. I just have to accept it.

I'm neurotic. I always will be. I think this fight is really part of who I am and I've been trying to bury it to please others. I've definitely learned to tone it down, but it's a fundamental part of me, whether some people are turned off by in, or fall in love with me because of it.

I watched Gossip Girl today. I'm always a sucker for identifying to TV shows, or movies, or books. I see a lot of parallels and I pick them apart.

Serena and Blair went to Yale and even ended up in a physical altercation about trying to one up each other to get in.. it reminded me of the other night, and of my relationship with the man I love.

I fight for him because I care, and not many people seem to understand that. Even after my best friends tell me I should stop with this "abusive relationship" they don't understand that I still see value in it, and I still see the man that I love deep down inside my heart.

We'll fight, and it will be hard. But if he's willing, which I think he is by the fact that he's still talking to me too, then we'll work this out and be on good terms once again.

As for what Yale represents to Blair and Serena's relationship and the parallel that I've concocted to the relationship between me and the one that I love, well... that's to be seen.

Today I woke up to a beautiful sun. I was in the right frame of mind...

And I studied. I read in the sun and enjoyed my time. But then I went to the patio, and drank. I felt anxious and not myself.

I met up with one of my best friends before this party... And I asked him if he had ever known me not to be neurotic. He's known me for three years and he couldn't answer in the affirmative.

I know that the love of my life is probably the only one besides myself who reads this blog. And even that thought makes me realize how self-involved I am. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being so lost in a problem that I can't seem to appreciate my days for what they are.

There was once when the love of my life said that he didn't have the sense that I had figured out who I was and I ardently refuted that idea. I do know who I am and that isn't someone who is so lost in his problems as I've seemed to be over these so many past months. So I want to take this opportunity to put things into plain and well-defined terms...

1. I love him. Fact.
2. I don't know if he still loves me.
3. He doesn't want to be with me right now.
4. I have been too self-involved to "be there for him" like I could be.
5. I have to move forward and appreciate what life has in store for me.
6. If he wants me back one day, or if he moves on and finds someone else, I need to learn to be happy for him.

So those are the only factors that really matter and that I need to live with. The rest: I can't control. So I've decided that I need to let be what is meant to be... As hard as that is.

Last night was a major setback. I felt it. The moment I heard a lie come out of his mouth, I couldn't control myself.

It broke my resolve.

But I sat in the sun today, on a patio, with my best friend. And I hit the root of the problem that I've been trying to pinpoint for four months.

As a child, my most vivid memory is after an Oprah episode when my mother turned to me and said: "If it came down to you or your father, I would pick your father". And my dad had told me the same thing once upon a time. I always believed that that was a sign of a healthy relationship and had done away with the feelings that that event had left me with. But what I've since come to realize is that, for a brief period of time, with the love of my life, I was first. I haven't been put first in many people's lives. I've always been an extra.

So I fight. I fight hard and try desperately, always, to figure out how to be first. But what I now need to do, is to accept that maybe I won't be. And I think I'm starting to. If I really love him, I have to let him put himself first. I have to let him be happy. I can't shove him into grates and hope that I'll shake him out of it. I can't ask him to be with me. I can only find happiness within myself.

It may be sad that I'm never put first, but I also don't put myself first in the healthiest ways. I've made a lot of mistakes along the path of love. But somehow, I feel confident that all is not lost, and that when it comes down to the crunch, I'll have the answers.. even if they lead to more questions.

That's life. And that's love.

Last night he lied to me again, to make me jealous, because he thought that I was intending to hook up. From that lie, came anger. I called him a skank. He smacked me. I was angry then that he wouldn't talk to me. I shoved him. We fought. We were pulled apart.

Everyone comforted me because they saw him smack me in the bar, because even after that had happened I could only speak good things about him.

All of it, from a lie. A lie with no purpose because my commitment to him is now only my commitment to myself. And though I may not be committed to him, my heart doesn't let me consider alternatives right now..

I made a huge mistake in shoving him, but he had no right. I can't be disrespected anymore. Not like that. I can't allow anymore lies. I can't fight for someone that does nothing to try and build trust. Nothing.

I'm broken. If it's a game that we're playing, he wins. I can't go to that bar anymore. I can't look at the doorman in the face. I can't love him anymore. All he does is throw it back in my face when he feels the least bit insecure about the truth behind my words.

* * *

I don't know how to do what I think I should do.

A busy day ahead. Looking forward to it. Class. Interview. Dinner. Wine.

Prospects. Only prospects.

Funny how so much changes yet so much stays the same. I feel hopeful.

* * *

I was told today that even though I made it clear to him that I couldn't make anymore effort, that hope will probably survive. And that's probably true. Considering the way I feel, I know, as the fighting-type, that I'll find hope in even the most seemingly-insignificant circumstances.

His silence and inability to fight makes it easier. But his jealous reaction, the only reaction by which I get a sense of caring, fuels me with hope. It's perverse.

I was subject to a seemingly jealousy-inducing circumstance today. And the odd thing is, it actually made it slightly easier. Knowing that the only passion I'll ever receive from him will be jealousy, or anger, or frustration only serves as a confirmation that moving on is best.

Taking back my sketch needs to mean taking back my heart. He can't have it anymore because he doesn't know what to do with it, and unintentionally drops the ball when he doesn't realize he's even doing it.

I am of the fighting-type I've been reminded of today. The guy that I was seeing last week, has no fight. It's easy. I could have it easy. So I don't. I want what's good and hard.

It's perverse.

But on the flip side, fighting for what is meaningful, and forever, and

good, isn't. I'm not fighting for us anymore. I'm fighting for me.

I've been doing this wrong.

The only right thing I did was to take back that sketch. I needed it. For me.

When I started therapy the first thing I told her was that I was scared, scared that feeling good about my changes would lead to getting over him.

I needed him.

And now that I do feel good, I still want him.

I'm angry. Angry at my old best friend (most of all) for interfering. Angry at my current best friend for interfering. I'm angry at our mutual friends and his best friend and his ex. I'm angry that they all got a say and I didn't. I'm angry that I can't hang out with him at a bar because I'm not included.

I didn't get a say because I tried over and over and over to convince him.. that wasn't a way to get a say. And he didn't want that.

At least I see clearly now. And at least I can get on with my life.

I didn't lie. I was honest the whole way through. I will never stop loving him. But I don't have to be with him anymore to be happy. I'm healing.

God.

I thought doing what I did would make things harder, but I didn't anticipate how it would throw me. I'm tired, utterly exhausted. I've spent the past three hours trying to fall asleep, but every time I close my eyes thoughts just keep churning in my head. I can't listen to my heart. I just can't stop thinking.

I think I'm crazy.

I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life tonight.

I let him go. I took back my sketch.

Now, I can say that I've cried over him.

I sat down at dinner today with one of the best friends I've ever had. I met her five years ago. And in my second year, when everyone had gone home for the summer, my ex included (to France), I had opened up my heart to her. She had always told me that I had changed her life, introduced her to some of the best people she's known in Ottawa. We spent Christmas in France together. And she had remarked how at home I had seemed in Paris.

But I haven't been home since then. Not in my heart.

She told me today that she's waiting for news from Montreal for her Masters. She's told me that her time alone is easy and that she craves something new, something good, although it's hard and scary. And I've been in the same situation.

I made it easy to wait. My feelings for him are the strongest I've ever experienced and I needed to acknowledge them. I needed to live in my heart instead of in my head. But tonight, it came down to an easy choice or a good choice. Not trying to be with him and talk to him won't be easy..

I told him I wanted to be first. I wanted to be the love of his life like he is mine. And no matter the niceties or (on the flip side) the fights, nothing changes. (He's on his online profile as I write this..) A chance? Waiting for a chance doesn't feel right. It feels easy because I love him so much.

But I want him to love like I've loved. I want him to be free of the frustration and the anger. I want to be free of the easy, I want to face the hard and the good (and the bad) in being alone, ardently alone.

I took back my sketch and it broke my heart. I don't want to break anymore hearts in this. There is one month left, and the commitment is now my own and only mine.

No one in my life will ever receive a sketch again. That I know.

!!!

I touched at something in this last post... And I think this might be the most important message that I could write in all of this.

At therapy last time, I was asked to fill out an assessment, like I did at the beginning. And I've been thinking about that for a while. What has changed..? I eat again. I can focus on school and enjoy it. I don't feel alone the way I used to. I feel almost like myself again, except changed.

Because it's what I've needed: time enough to get a hold of myself and realize how far I've come.

From crying on his bathroom floor over a used condom, to actually actively talking to him about what really went wrong during our relationship. From no appetite, to actively cooking and enjoying my food. To struggling not to want to sleep with whichever hot guy could fill the void, to realizing that it's not worth it and spending an entire Saturday night at home alone without even thinking about it.

I'm a little frustrated that it's taken me so long to get here. And I'm not quite all the way. And I wish that I had come back to myself earlier, in the first weeks of our breakup, when he still wanted to see me and talk to me and spend real time with me. I wish I had been myself during my birthday and had been in the right frame of mind to really appreciate all those that really do love me.

The thing I struggle with the most now, is the hope: the hope that it's not too late, the hope that he really does love me like I love him. Because if he does, he'll pick me.

* * *

I made this happen. I made myself OK again. Now I need to work on being strong and sticking to my guns.

He took a pretty mean jab at the guy that I was seeing. And after having broken his heart, and choosing to be alone, rather than to just do the easy thing, I felt pretty upset.

One of our mutual friends had a romantic evening with his ex from Windsor, the same that he cheated on me with. And he was too angry last night to return my calls.

I shouldn't take that. I shouldn't have to compete for his heart. I should have it, because he has mine and we could be great. But, this incident has worn down my resolve.

I sometimes think of that book of which the name I can't remember. A man loves a woman in silence for over 60 years. And I think that it is the most admirable thing one can do is listen to your heart and fight for the love that you believe in. But I'm not so sure it's right if I'm not able to be the love of his life like he is mine.

I sat down at Planet Coffee today, word-blabbed, but did the right thing. I told the guy that I've been seeing that I couldn't anymore. I made a choice and it hurt. My heart belongs to the love of my life, and that's why I made the commitment of five months.

It broke my heart when I told him "I couldn't be in a relationship". The spark in his eyes disappeared and there was an awkward silence. We could have been good together. But it wouldn't have been honest.

If nothing else, it'll prepare me for what I might have to do in the future. I just hope it never has to come to that. Because all I think that could be good is a chance for better with him..