When I got home after drinks at the best-friend's, I cried myself to sleep. I needed to let it out.

After all day, enjoying the weather, doing school work, smoking in the sun, enjoying life, I decide to text him, ask him how his night is going.

There are no follow up questions: "Good, I'm glad!" When I tell him I'm having fun dancing. And I wake up to text insisting that I'm hooking up.

I feel awful this morning. Yet again. And I can't even feel good about my day, my date the day before, my changes.. because I love him so much and he doesn't see what he does, or doesn't do.

I can't even have conversation with him. To him, I'll probably always just be this liar and skank. But I've made the effort to change. He, on the other hand, feels justified, and I'm here prepared to accept it all for a chance at a real relationship with him, as stupid as it sounds..

But it's like I said to the guy on the date, I need to figure out how to keep him in my life, and move past the hurt. I won't let it eat me up inside everyday and lead me to cry before bed, not knowing who's arms he'll end up in, or who he'll be texting follow up questions, and niceties to at the end of the night.

With this new guy that I've started dating, conversation is easy. Everything works. I could come to like this guy.

I have to make a choice. And I know I mentioned I would keep dating him. But I don't want to.

I love someone else. And I made him a commitment.

I'm taking the risk. I need to. The chance for a real relationship with the man that I love.

I sent him the one and only good picture of us.

Yesterday, I went on a date. It was great actually. We really connected, in a different way that I had never expected. But I'm not ready for that.

My head says that waiting for the love of my life is a fool's game, but my heart says otherwise. It's wanting to change him, wanting to change what he's doing, what he's always done behind closed doors, that I can't change. I can only change myself.

Maybe he's not ready for a real relationship. Maybe he'll delete the photo that I sent him, or more likely he'll respond with "Thank you. I hope you're well too."

I'm going to keep going on dates, even if I'm not ready for what that means, I was honest, with both parties, and that's the way I'm going to keep it.

I have to stop beating myself up about what I've done wrong and try to do some real good for myself. It's hard when you love someone as much as I love him though..

I check up on him. It's become a habit.. I can't help but wonder who he's sleeping with, if he's found someone else. But I'm not doing the actual work that I need to by doing that..

The love of my life, may have been the love of my life, but right now, he's someone I don't recognize : in the way that he deals with being alone.. As a matter of fact, it's time to stop idealizing the situation.

I mean, I'm attempting to change not only my behaviour, but the way I'm dealing (emotionally) with this entire situation to do it in a healthy way. It's upsetting that he's dealing with this in what I see as a destructive way..

I mean instead of hurting us through hedonistic pleasures, I wish he would just have stayed with me and taken it out on me, because I would have accepted it, and worked through it with him.

I don't know why he does what he does. But it makes this whole process exponentially harder.

It makes the hurt so much stronger.

Something is going awry. I'm starting to feel awful again every day.

Last night, I think he went out, and ended up in bed with someone else. Maybe he'll feel what I felt. Maybe he'll roll over after it's all said and done and wish that it was me instead. Maybe he won't.

But I'm not listening to my heart with these ideas in my head. My heart tells me I'm sad, all the time. I don't go to class. I find it excruciating to get out of bed, to leave my house, for anything! I find it hard not to drink and not to go out, and even hard not to want someone else, anyone, in my bed with me. At least I've done right on one account.

I still feel as though I'm making progress though. I am catching up on all my school work, throwing myself into my work makes it enjoyable. I cook. I take pleasure in reading the paper, in blogging with my best friend.

* * *

I've never really cried over him. Never. Those feelings have been buried deep down. I don't know how to let them out.

I met another boy last night. It was random. We danced and chatted and it went super well. However, I did what I've always done..

I built it up in my head. We even ate MacDonald's at my place. No sex. I couldn't. I am still firmly committed. My heart is still with the one that I love.

It wasn't necessarily a mistake. And I hesitate at using that word. I made another friend, and I'm happy for it. He's honest and open and I was honest and open with him.

It's proof.

* * *

Today's been hard. But I'm trying to listen to my heart. My uncle's roommate, a long time family friend and priest saw right through me at dinner. I was strong though for this family gathering. It worked out.

I think the one that I love is going out to meet a guy.. I have to trust that our love was at least strong enough to endure the next two months, that the effort is enough.

I thought of him last night. I would have killed to have him in my arms like before. I still sleep on the same side of the bed.

I feel completely incapacitated this morning. My thoughts won't stop and it always takes my heart a much longer time to catch up. That's why I tend to shut down, until my feelings surface, sometimes too late.

* * *

The guilt has been resurfacing. I often think of that moment when he was in tears and I wasn't there. It makes me angry. I want to make him smile again.

My first post.

I believe it important, not only for myself, but for the purpose of love to keep an account of my growth, my change.

If for nothing else, it will stand as a testament of my fight.

I have loved and lost. And some say it is better than never having loved.

However, I believe that to be a complacent thought. The best things in life are hard and are worth fighting for and I will to everything in my power to ensure that opportunity never escapes me, nor escapes the one that I love.