I thought of him last night. I would have killed to have him in my arms like before. I still sleep on the same side of the bed.

I feel completely incapacitated this morning. My thoughts won't stop and it always takes my heart a much longer time to catch up. That's why I tend to shut down, until my feelings surface, sometimes too late.

* * *

The guilt has been resurfacing. I often think of that moment when he was in tears and I wasn't there. It makes me angry. I want to make him smile again.