I check up on him. It's become a habit.. I can't help but wonder who he's sleeping with, if he's found someone else. But I'm not doing the actual work that I need to by doing that..

The love of my life, may have been the love of my life, but right now, he's someone I don't recognize : in the way that he deals with being alone.. As a matter of fact, it's time to stop idealizing the situation.

I mean, I'm attempting to change not only my behaviour, but the way I'm dealing (emotionally) with this entire situation to do it in a healthy way. It's upsetting that he's dealing with this in what I see as a destructive way..

I mean instead of hurting us through hedonistic pleasures, I wish he would just have stayed with me and taken it out on me, because I would have accepted it, and worked through it with him.

I don't know why he does what he does. But it makes this whole process exponentially harder.

It makes the hurt so much stronger.