I let him go. I took back my sketch.
Now, I can say that I've cried over him.
I sat down at dinner today with one of the best friends I've ever had. I met her five years ago. And in my second year, when everyone had gone home for the summer, my ex included (to France), I had opened up my heart to her. She had always told me that I had changed her life, introduced her to some of the best people she's known in Ottawa. We spent Christmas in France together. And she had remarked how at home I had seemed in Paris.
But I haven't been home since then. Not in my heart.
She told me today that she's waiting for news from Montreal for her Masters. She's told me that her time alone is easy and that she craves something new, something good, although it's hard and scary. And I've been in the same situation.
I made it easy to wait. My feelings for him are the strongest I've ever experienced and I needed to acknowledge them. I needed to live in my heart instead of in my head. But tonight, it came down to an easy choice or a good choice. Not trying to be with him and talk to him won't be easy..
I told him I wanted to be first. I wanted to be the love of his life like he is mine. And no matter the niceties or (on the flip side) the fights, nothing changes. (He's on his online profile as I write this..) A chance? Waiting for a chance doesn't feel right. It feels easy because I love him so much.
But I want him to love like I've loved. I want him to be free of the frustration and the anger. I want to be free of the easy, I want to face the hard and the good (and the bad) in being alone, ardently alone.
I took back my sketch and it broke my heart. I don't want to break anymore hearts in this. There is one month left, and the commitment is now my own and only mine.
No one in my life will ever receive a sketch again. That I know.
