At therapy last time, I was asked to fill out an assessment, like I did at the beginning. And I've been thinking about that for a while. What has changed..? I eat again. I can focus on school and enjoy it. I don't feel alone the way I used to. I feel almost like myself again, except changed.
Because it's what I've needed: time enough to get a hold of myself and realize how far I've come.
From crying on his bathroom floor over a used condom, to actually actively talking to him about what really went wrong during our relationship. From no appetite, to actively cooking and enjoying my food. To struggling not to want to sleep with whichever hot guy could fill the void, to realizing that it's not worth it and spending an entire Saturday night at home alone without even thinking about it.
I'm a little frustrated that it's taken me so long to get here. And I'm not quite all the way. And I wish that I had come back to myself earlier, in the first weeks of our breakup, when he still wanted to see me and talk to me and spend real time with me. I wish I had been myself during my birthday and had been in the right frame of mind to really appreciate all those that really do love me.
The thing I struggle with the most now, is the hope: the hope that it's not too late, the hope that he really does love me like I love him. Because if he does, he'll pick me.
* * *
I made this happen. I made myself OK again. Now I need to work on being strong and sticking to my guns.
