Today I woke up to a beautiful sun. I was in the right frame of mind...

And I studied. I read in the sun and enjoyed my time. But then I went to the patio, and drank. I felt anxious and not myself.

I met up with one of my best friends before this party... And I asked him if he had ever known me not to be neurotic. He's known me for three years and he couldn't answer in the affirmative.

I know that the love of my life is probably the only one besides myself who reads this blog. And even that thought makes me realize how self-involved I am. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being so lost in a problem that I can't seem to appreciate my days for what they are.

There was once when the love of my life said that he didn't have the sense that I had figured out who I was and I ardently refuted that idea. I do know who I am and that isn't someone who is so lost in his problems as I've seemed to be over these so many past months. So I want to take this opportunity to put things into plain and well-defined terms...

1. I love him. Fact.
2. I don't know if he still loves me.
3. He doesn't want to be with me right now.
4. I have been too self-involved to "be there for him" like I could be.
5. I have to move forward and appreciate what life has in store for me.
6. If he wants me back one day, or if he moves on and finds someone else, I need to learn to be happy for him.

So those are the only factors that really matter and that I need to live with. The rest: I can't control. So I've decided that I need to let be what is meant to be... As hard as that is.