Last night was a major setback. I felt it. The moment I heard a lie come out of his mouth, I couldn't control myself.

It broke my resolve.

But I sat in the sun today, on a patio, with my best friend. And I hit the root of the problem that I've been trying to pinpoint for four months.

As a child, my most vivid memory is after an Oprah episode when my mother turned to me and said: "If it came down to you or your father, I would pick your father". And my dad had told me the same thing once upon a time. I always believed that that was a sign of a healthy relationship and had done away with the feelings that that event had left me with. But what I've since come to realize is that, for a brief period of time, with the love of my life, I was first. I haven't been put first in many people's lives. I've always been an extra.

So I fight. I fight hard and try desperately, always, to figure out how to be first. But what I now need to do, is to accept that maybe I won't be. And I think I'm starting to. If I really love him, I have to let him put himself first. I have to let him be happy. I can't shove him into grates and hope that I'll shake him out of it. I can't ask him to be with me. I can only find happiness within myself.

It may be sad that I'm never put first, but I also don't put myself first in the healthiest ways. I've made a lot of mistakes along the path of love. But somehow, I feel confident that all is not lost, and that when it comes down to the crunch, I'll have the answers.. even if they lead to more questions.

That's life. And that's love.